10月23日 — hangover recovery and some thoughts about love
it's currently 3am and im trying to sleep but also wanted to talk for a bit. the second half of my day went well! im still hurting a bit but i must go to uni this morning so i gotta get better asap.. also my parents haven't said anything about what happened yesterday yet. i'm safe for now. i really don't wanna talk about it but i feel like i will need to, eventually.. had to wash my clothes and covers today cause they were all dirty with my messily spilled insides. anyway!
i was reading some fics and they made me feel a lot. in general. just wow!! romantic love Is a beautiful thing. and i really didn't wanna start saying that here cause if you know me then you know i'm a faithful believer of the "there's more to love than just romance" idea as an asexual aromantic but hear me out. wahhhhh T___T
maybe enstars has very lovable characters. maybe this author writes really reaaaally well. but finding love in the unexpected, or in the simplest everyday activities like running errands i'm a Huge fan of that.... love doesn't have to be complicated love can be found anywhere! people only have problems with commitment and everything a romantic relationship conveys.
tbh i feel like. theres a romantic relationship guidebook no one tells you about and you're supposed to know everything it says once you start dating someone. or maybe there's an invisible contract you sign up without knowing the details of... or at least that's what my experience has made me see... as the 16 year old autistic teenager i was. but there were too many expectations set upon me coming from my partner back then that i really was just. juggling every single thing i was supposed to know in order to keep the ship sailing... which clearly didn't work as i wanted, or as any of us wanted.
i love love, i love talking about love. i am a lesbian whose attempts of romantic relationships have always gone wrong but thats okay cause its not love's fault it's mine. today i learned that i can't even take care of myself so i shouldn't be seeking to take care of someone else and that makes me scared sometimes.. i'm scared of being alone, but what if i don't deserve any friends. this sounds really stupid cause everyone deserves friends! but the thought still haunts me. i hope we can all heal soon.